The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
When in doubt tell the truth.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
We are all alike, on the inside.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
All emotion is involuntary when genuine.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
We have the best government that money can buy.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'